I know a lot of you have been either checking in to see when you can book with me, or if you're a regular client of mine you have been worried that you haven't heard much from me over the past few months on my social media accounts. So I think it's about time that I share what I've been going through the past few months, as I truly feel it is not much different than what many of us in this forever-changed world may be experiencing.
I'm sure it also hasn't gone unnoticed that I've purposefully made the choice, up until this point, to remain completely silent on the matter of what's going on with Covid-19. There are a few reasons why I haven't taken to my social accounts (not even opening them for months), why I haven't started booking online sessions, and why I have just not been there and available to support all of you, my Spirit fam, through this.
To experience something like what has hit this world, the amount of people who have died and continue to die everyday. The loss, grief, depression, anxiety, confusion, and more... It's been difficult for me to even go to a grocery store or leave the house (even though I do very honestly take quarantine quite seriously). I have been avoiding addressing or talking about what's happening, in a spiritual context, because it's all so very incredibly (insurmountably) draining.
In the very beginning I was still taking some client sessions, and a lot of them were from International clients. This was back in the last few weeks of March. At that time I was beginning to regularly have to speak about Covid-19 in every session. It was, a lot of the time, the same questions that were asked of Spirit over and over again. And of course that would be the case given that we all share the commonality of possessing the same anxieties, fears, confusion and grief in this situation. Many of us share the same depression, mental health trauma and issues that have resurfaced due to this happening, and more.
I knew then and there, that I couldn't handle the weight of responsibility for answering the big question over and over again in each individual client session:
I also, to be fair, normally take a brief hiatus from all sessions around this same time of year (the end of March until sometimes May). And that, if you know me and have been a lovely client of mine for years, is due to my weird yet intensive travel schedule. I typically do hundreds of client sessions between January and mid-March, with 60 hour work weeks and while permanently living out of a suitcase and getting used to a new hotel bed every week.
The Covid of it all, to be honest, sent myself and many others who are spiritually sensitive into a tail-spin.
It started off as my normal shift in gears from travel season to hiatus / self-care season. A very "normal" occurrence for me twice annually after each busy season of travelling with the Psychic Expos. Then, my partner in crime (in all things) Nick, kept watching more and more of the events unfolding around the world... in real time. He would regularly tune into CNN reports, political addresses, and more all right from our cozy home office. I was doing my best at the time to minimize my second-hand exposure to the events. Because honestly? That was obviously pretty impossible in the beginning when the first few waves of information and confirmed cases of Covid-19 were hitting North America
I, like many people, feel the weight of responsibility to have awareness of what's going on in this world we live in. Knowledge is power. Global awareness can (at times) call even more attention to our own self-awareness via providing valuable external perspective (among other things).
But also I, like many people, am far too sensitive emotionally & spiritually to what happens in this world. Even on my "better days". This is the first time, however, that any of us in younger generations have faced a world-wide pandemic - you know, a globally affecting event. One that is not only affecting our mortality rate, our health, our societal structures; but also our economy, our politics, and our basic social interactions.
At the same time that I was attempting to initially emotionally process what was happening (again - like many of us), I was also receiving messages in Spirit fairly regularly at the beginning that pointed to more information and other things coming to light about the virus. I only told Nick these things. I didn't feel safe publicly vocalizing what I received. The panic was very real at that point (i.e. that ridiculous toilet paper crisis), and nothing I could say or do would have been helpful. I knew that then and I stand by that now.
Of the things I did share with Nick, I received affirmation through his daily media reports soon after telling him. And by then I came to realize that I had to forcibly cut myself off from all of this energetically. I didn't want to know anymore than the general public about where this would go. Outside of knowing and preparing myself and Nick for this to last MUCH LONGER than anyone anticipated in the beginning.
From there, my initial depression and grief for the world (what most of us were going through) plus the severe amount of anxiety I channeled through everyone's mass confusion and panic - all of that spiraled into a deeper depression that was far too personal for my own liking. One I'm going to talk about as well, because I think many of us have gone through this in the past few months.
Thinking can be good. It can be healthy. Reflecting on past thoughts, decisions, actions and behaviours can all be great things for immediate lessons in self-awareness, self-acceptance, or self-love... as well as insight into future plans, goals, and more.
That "healthy space" of my thinking devolved very quickly in the aftermath of what Quarantine really has been for me (and many of us). The reality of being so severely cut off from people hit me hard. Especially my parents, who are both in the highest risk group of those that may face serious medical consequences (including death) if the virus were to ever be contracted.
That lasted for at least a month. And during some of this time I experienced a lot of triggers connected to past trauma (including sexual assault). I had a lot of moments where old feelings, thoughts and behaviours resurfaced. Eventually leading to bouts of body dysmorphia resurfacing as well. Amongst many other things. Like episodes of "disassociation", which to date I had never experienced in my entire life but had suddenly gone through.So yes, that was a very fun time.
I could not keep track of days, it was very difficult to distinguish weeks from each other. And I would find myself talking about something that I thought had happened yesterday, that may have actually happened 2 weeks prior. So my sense of timing basically was beyond screwed up. Which at first was maybe a minor oddity to me... but as time went on it made me feel like I was living life trapped in one big long day. Where the events, scenery, season and time of day never changed.
I still, to some extent, feel that way a little bit everyday. But obviously when you consider that I am finally taking the time to sit down and write this, that general feeling and sense has been lifting bit by bit.
Like taking care of my physical body and getting back into hobbies and interests that stimulate my mind (which for me is reading and drawing) instead of numbing it (through television and video games). I'm not saying that second set of activities yields those same results for everyone... they just seem to affect me in that particular way when I am suffering from depression.
And now I find myself yearning to connect with all of you again.
Not in a loud and showy way like a live video stream... I don't quite have the energy leftover for that yet. I more so wish to connect to all of you in a quiet and intimate way. Like writing this blog article.
That we're all going through various degrees of these things I've mentioned. That either we're still deeply rooted in these thoughts, feelings or emotions... or we've had our time processing through everything and we're now out of that dark tunnel and onto the other side, attempting everyday to live life in the best way that we can.
I think I'm somewhere in the middle of those two things.
But I want you all to know, Spirit fam, that my first impulse when coming up for air from all of this was to reach out to you. Because you all mean so much to me, and I know you miss feeling connected to something bigger than yourself, just like I do. We're in this together, as always, you + me + Spirit.
What can you look for next from me?
Well I have a few bigger projects on the go, on the back burner (that will likely take a bit of time), but I hope to reconnect with all of you via a podcast episode that Nick and I will start working on connected to this same subject matter. If I can get myself consistently motivated to do that... #quarantinelifeproblems
And then I may be reevaluating what sort of readings, if any, I offer on my website. That is a bit more of a "later decision" for me, but know that it will be coming once I feel I have enough time away from having to connect spiritually to the nature of the world we're living in right now (an obviously I've had enough time to heal what I've been going through on a personal level).
And I wish you all the best in finding your own personal way through this global crisis. I'm here for you, even if it's silently through thought, prayer & intention. I haven't gone anywhere. And you are even likely to start seeing more of me in small bursts of energy that I now have... given time.